A Mom's Guide To Letting Go

Stages Of A Child's Emancipation

Rosemary Barnes
8/1/2008

Recently, I was talking to a friend who had just sent her first daughter off to college. As moms, we began to talk about the painful process of the inevitable moments of our children's emancipation. Whether it's to college or career, or even the lesser separation moments of sending a child to camp or school for the first time, the pain is still real.

My friend made an insightful comment and most likely, it is a thought that has run through every mom's mind at one time or another. She said, "I don’t understand why something that is in God's plan and is RIGHT for the family is so painful!" There is really no answer to that comment; perhaps this is yet another question to pose to our loving Heavenly Father when we meet Him one day! However, there are some things to consider that might be a "soothing balm" during that time. It is helpful to understand the why beneath the pain and gain insight on what to do to make the process one that is not so emotionally cataclysmic. There are no 1-2-3 quick solutions in helping to alleviate the pain, but we can learn how to make it an easier transition for the whole family.

Why? There are several reasons why it is so difficult to see our children move into the next phase of life. In order to be an effective mom, it takes a sacrifice of self. A nurturing mother is one who is engaged in every aspect of her child's life. Most of the time, she is aware of every nuance of the child's needs as well as his/her emotional state. She also has control of much of her child's environment. The emancipation process, however, causes her to realize that she is losing control of her child.

One Christian expert on parenting stated that a healthy parenting plan yields more and more control to the child so that when leaving home, the young adult has complete control over his/her own life. Healthy? Yes, but none-the-less painful for mom.

Closely tied to that, many moms rightly believe that child rearing is the call on their life. Being a mom is "what they do" even if they have a career out of the home. While most women are very busy with other activities, they would readily agree that the mothering process is their main focus. When that focus is radically changed or removed, it can leave a mother to question, "What is my purpose now?" or "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"

What to do? Every mom experiences separation from her child during the mothering process in varying degrees. In fact, the opportunities that we have to experience the children "leaving the nest" along the way can be very helpful in preparing both the child and mom for the inevitable moment when a child begins to live his/her own life separately.

New moms can use the opportunity to leave their babies in the church nursery or with a well trusted babysitter (such as a family member). It is healthy not only for mom, but it is also healthy for the child. It is the beginning step, an opportunity to know that life goes on, even with a separation of a few hours.

Moms of preschoolers can practice sending their children out the door for longer blocks of time at a friend’s home or at church activities such as Mother’s Day Out or VBS. I remember the concern about what my children were experiencing while away from me for longer blocks of time. However, when a child understands that there is a safe and fun world apart from Mom; it is the beginning of developing the wholesome skill of separation.

Moms of school age children, whether home schooling or not, can practice healthy emancipation from home through church summer camp or visits to grandparents or cousins. What a great way to broaden the horizons of children.

Moms of college age or young adults can prepare for the moment their child goes out the door permanently. Begin the grieving process early – I cried at every "final" event! That sounds morbid, but it helped with the moment that the departure became a reality.

Realize you are not alone. Share your thoughts with other moms who are in the same boat. Having someone to talk to who can honestly express, "I know how you feel" will help ease the transition.

Find God’s purpose for "the rest of your life". There has never been a time in history that we, as women, have had better health and opportunity to pour ourselves into worthy causes. A wonderful book that discusses that concept in great depth is Second Calling by Dale Hanson Bourke.

Yes, the change in the family structure and dynamics can be painful, but God's plans and purposes are always perfect! Emancipation of the children also means emancipation of the mom... a time to find God's plan for the second half.