Marriage - A Strong Foundation

Why does it seem so difficult for people to stay married these days? Why do people choose to live together before marriage even though the divorce rate is higher for those who cohabit before marriage? We are surrounded by married people—from our parents and grandparents to our neighbors down the street—yet we don’t have a clear diagram of how to succeed at marriage, how to be successful in the one relationship that encompasses the vast majority of adult lives.

Sheridan House is now building our new Family Resource Center, but in 1988, we learned valuable construction lessons as we built our current counseling center. Before we began, engineers took soil borings from the site. I assumed it was a matter of formality before they began to pour the foundation. However, when the results came in, our general contractor gave me bad news: “The density of the soil is not strong enough to support the kind of building we plan here. We’ll have to sink pilings into the ground before we can pour a foundation.” Then he reminded me of the sinking and cracking we’d had in our first building because the foundation wasn’t strong enough to handle the pressure.

In previous days, marriage was built on a strong foundation, held up by pillars of stability and commitment. People grew up in communities that prepared them for marriage.

Today people are more isolated. We move every three to five years, so we don’t build long-term friendships or venture out into our communities. We have pulled away from a society built around the family. A foundational principle of commitment is missing from many people’s lives.

Where parents used to be the primary role model for a strong marriage the media has now taken over as the role model for relationship.  This obviously does not prepare people for a rock-solid marriage. Today’s couple is expected to build a marriage with no foundation whatsoever. We need to learn how to create again the solid base to build a lifetime marital commitment … one that won’t crack under pressure.


Several years ago a friend of mine noticed that a corner of his house seemed to be sinking. This isn’t altogether unusual in South Florida. But with modern technology he repaired his house by pumping material under the weak foundation to avert disaster.

Today’s couples can be so isolated that they have nowhere to turn for marital advice. Or they become so busy they forget about working on their marriage. With no foundation to stand on, marriages begin to erode and crack.  We need a new understanding of marriage.

When a new building is dedicated there is often a ribbon-cutting ceremony with music, food, and dignitaries.  AS glamorous as this event might be it does not keep a building on firm ground. Underneath it all there needs to be a plain, square, concrete foundation of a building silently holds up the structure.

Likewise, the wedding ceremony doesn’t provide a foundation. The wedding is a vow, a beginning, not a marriage. Yes, the vow is made before God and witnesses, but a marriage is something that spouses do every day of their lives. It’s a commitment toward another person. It’s a commitment to decide to learn more about another person.  It’s a decision to learn about the job of being married.  It’s a commitment to God.

This commitment will cause a marriage to flourish. Though most of us enter marriage today with no idea of how to stay married, we can all learn. We can spend time doing the right things to shore up the foundation. We can start by putting God at the center of our marriages today.

When we started building our counseling center in 1988, we didn’t know the soil wouldn’t hold the new structure. So we took the extra time and expense to pour the pilings and ensure a strong foundation for decades to come.

It takes an investment of your time to examine the foundation of a marriage. The rewards of a rock-solid marriage are great, and will have an impact and influence for generations to come. What could be more valuable?


Excerpted from Rock-Solid Marriage by Robert and Rosemary Barnes