Step Ten: Teach Your Child to Handle Peer Pressure
"Help! My child just got invited to a party!" Parents aren't really afraid of parties; it's the massive pool of peer pressure that strikes fear into the hearts of concerned parents.
Parents handle parties in one of three ways. Some parents say no to all parties, believing they are protecting their children. In reality they are only postponing a much-needed training process. Our children will arrive at college one day and need to know how to react to unacceptable or even injurious situations that can happen at parties.
Other parents get tired of the child's constant pleading and finally cave in, giving the child permission to go when they'd previously said no. By allowing the child to go out into increasingly independent peer environments without a training game plan, this parent will miss out on a great opportunity to prepare the child for adulthood.
The third type of parent sees parties for what they are: training opportunities to deal with peer pressure. Parties are opportunities for the child to practice (1) his or her self-worth, (2) exercising discipline in saying no, and (3) taking action when situations arise.
This type of training is about helping your child become socially mature. Social maturity is a gauge for measuring your child's self-esteem as well as spiritual development.
Parties offer the training opportunity for parents to help their child practice the three ingredients necessary in developing socially and spiritually by making wise social decisions. The first ingredient is: Why do we make the decisions we make? We all need to practice seeking the answers to God's plan for our lives. How to live for an audience of One: God. That's called spiritual development.
The second ingredient is to not only know what God wants me to do in certain situations but to actually do it. Coupled with spiritual development, this is personal discipline.
The third ingredient in raising a child to develop socially and become a godly adult is practice. First, know who God is. Second, have the discipline to say no to self. Third, practice this when out among peers. Cross-gender parties offer this training opportunity.
Step one in the party scene is to teach the child the initial decision-making process about the party. When the child comes and asks if she can go to a party, the parent needs to begin by asking specific questions about where the party is being held and who is in charge.
"Dad, they go to church!" Reassure the child that that is a good beginning but not enough information. Ask for a phone number.
"You're not going to call them, are you Dad? That would be so embarrassing!" A proper parental response could be, "No I don’t need to call them, unless you want to go to this party."
Of course we need to call. We need to ask the parents hosting the party some basic questions such as, are they going to be there supervising the party the entire time? Create your questions, make the call, and let the host parents know you’ll be happy to meet them when you drop your child off.
Next comes the training opportunity. Sit the child down and let him know that there are a number of things that are unacceptable at any party he attends. Our list included: parents leaving the party, drugs or alcohol coming to the party, kids making out, inappropriate dancing, older kids showing up, etc.
The parent needs to say, "You are far too good to be at a party with things like that going on. You are my representative at this party. If any of these things takes place, call me and I’ll be there to pick you up. When I come to pick you up, I’m coming into the party to walk around and thank the host parents. If any of these things are taking place and you do not call me, we will both know you are not ready to be my representative at parties. It will be four weeks before we try parties again."
Dealing properly with peer pressure takes practice. At first a child will say no to the pressure for fear of the consequence established by the parent. Eventually, with enough practice in social situations, a child will have the training as a college student to walk out of a bad fraternity party because they know what’s going on is wrong and they have experience in walking out the door.
Social maturity refers to developing the ability to not conform to the pattern of this culture (Romans 12:2) when the actions of the child’s peers are in conflict what the child believes. This takes training. Training that just might save your child’s college experience. Take the party-invitation dilemma as an opportunity.
For more information on teaching your child about peer pressure, read Ready for Responsibility and Prepare Your Child for Dating, by Dr. Bob Barnes. Both of these books are available on our website.